


Some Nights And Some Days

by DisturbNotTheHarmony



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 5+1 Things, Christmas Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-17
Updated: 2014-04-17
Packaged: 2018-01-19 17:20:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1477771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisturbNotTheHarmony/pseuds/DisturbNotTheHarmony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Dean is asleep in their bed, Castiel likes to sit up and watch him. But when those shoulders start to twitch, Castiel knows his lover is dreaming. So he runs a hand through Dean's hair before he settles it on the hand print that he made what seems like so long ago. He closes his eyes, matches his breathing to Dean's, and opens his mind.<br/>Or, five times Dean dreamed of death and one time Castiel dreamed of life</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Nights And Some Days

SOME NIGHTS AND SOME DAYS

 

When Dean is asleep in their bed, Castiel likes to sit up and watch him. He loves to watch the moon filter in through the blinds and create shadowy works of art over the broad and tan expanse of Dean's back and shoulders. But when those shoulders start to twitch, Castiel knows his lover is dreaming. So he runs a hand through Dean's hair before he settles it on the hand print that he made what seems like so long ago. He closes his eyes, matches his breathing to Dean's, and opens his mind.

 

It is dark. There is only a sliver of the moon peeking out behind silvery clouds. There is no wind and the air is cold and still in a way that reminds Castiel of a term Dean uses frequently- “the calm before the storm.” Castiel immediately knows that this is not a pleasant dream. He has seen this scene often enough from previous dreams to know what his lover is dreaming of. However this does not stop him from dashing up to the house and crashing through the front door and stomping up the stairs. He runs to the open door where he sees Dean running out of, eyes sleep crusted but wide and terrified. The look on the four-year-old's face is enough to make Castiel's heart clench. Even though thirty-some odd years have passed, Dean still makes the same face. He watches as John Winchester barrels out of Sam's nursery carrying Dean's baby brother swaddled in a blanket. John pushes the precious bundle into his elder son's arms and shouts for Dean to take Sam outside as fast as he can. Dean does not question his father and turns and runs without a second thought. Castiel knows he cannot help this Dean but that does not stop him from running with the child, urging him on when he trips and stumbles down the stairs and out the front door. They stand together as the house burns behind them and Sam's cries pierce the chilled air. They reassure the bundle as best as they can until John shoots out of the house, tear tracks shining in the flickering firelight as he lifts both of his sons into his arms. Castiel runs with them. When they finally stop, Castiel watches as John sobs openly with Sam, and Dean stares numbly at the asphalt beneath his feet, swaying into his father. Castiel's heart breaks at the dead look in those familiar green eyes. He kneels down next to the four-year-old and embraces him, and wishes that his lover never had to go through such a thing, especially so young. This should not be the way he remembers his mother's death. Dean should have watched her grow old and live a long life. He wishes that Dean could have found happiness, with _all_ of his family. Dean does not deserve the life he was thrust into.

 

Castiel pulls himself out of Dean's dream and looks down to see those deep green eyes staring back. Both man and angel have tears in their eyes. Castiel leans down and presses a comforting kiss to the corner of Dean's lips. He pushes all of his thoughts and regrets and happiness and love into the kiss. He pulls back to see Dean's eyes shining with his thanks, burying the grief, and they lie there until Dean falls back into sleep's clutches. Castiel watches over him for the rest of the night, remembering.

 

xXx

 

The next time Castiel decides to watch Dean's dreams, they are resting in Bobby's house after a hunt. Dean had brought only Sam on the hunt and both brothers had ended up injured, Sam more so. Dean had driven the Impala with a dislocated shoulder and broken leg back to Bobby's while Sam bled out in the back seat, the result of a Wendigo scoring it's claws across his back. Castiel had been sitting with Bobby watching television and not really understanding, but when Dean had stumbled into the foyer with Sam draped across him, he had transported the brothers to the upstairs bedroom and had proceeded to heal them. Now he is sitting and watching as Dean checks Sam's pulse once more as his brother snores on, twitching in his sleep, brow furrowing. Dean must find his examination satisfactory because he crosses the room to where Castiel is resting. He drops down next to the angel and pushes until he is pressed against Castiel's side, his face buried in the nook where the angel's neck and shoulder meet. Dean does this often and Castiel knows it is one of the ways Dean searches for comfort without revealing that he wants it. Castiel is still confused as to why Dean wants to hide such things but whenever he brings it up Dean waves him off with a generic answer involving a man's “pride” which Castiel finds thoroughly ridiculous. Dean closes his eyes and gives into his own exhaustion at last. Castiel knows his lover has not been sleeping well these past few days and doubts tonight his mind will grant him repose. When Dean's sleep turns fitful, Castiel presses his hand to the matching print on Dean's shoulder through his shirt and dreams with his human.

 

Once again, it is dark. Castiel watches the scene unfold with a cold pit in his stomach. Dean is running towards Sam, who is - Castiel is horrified to notice- being stabbed in the back. He watches the dark skinned man twist the knife several times, making sure Sam drops to his knees while his lungs fill with blood before running for his life. He hears Dean's anguished scream and feels it echo darkly in his chest. He feels Dean's pain and fear crash and swell as he slides through the remaining distance separating them only to find Sam cough up blood, and all they can think together is _no no no no NoNoNo NO!_ Castiel watches as Bobby chases after the man. He knows the man's name- Jake Talley- and it pains him that he couldn't stop this;Dean from hurting, from selling his soul for the brother he loved more than anything in the world. He is glad Jake Talley is dead, because if the man had lived, Castiel would have hunted him down and smote him as painfully as the angel could for the pain he had caused the Winchester family. He barely feels the twinge of guilt for feeling this way, instead shoving the feeling away and concentrating on Dean, who is holding Sam in his arms. He presses a hand to Sam's wound as the dark stain of blood grows and tries to assure him that he will be just fine, after all, it is Dean's job to take care of his pain in the ass brother. Dean and Castiel both cry when Sam goes limp and does not respond to Dean frantically crying his brother's name. Castiel watches with his heart torn in two when Bobby comes back and tries to pry Sam's body away and Dean whips at the old hunter and his surrogate father with words, fists, and tears. The dream abruptly shifts away from the scene and Castiel feels sick. He has never seen these scenes before, but Dean has described them well enough while he was awake so Castiel can estimate at what will come next.

Dean lunges out of his chair, knocking it onto its side in the process. He screams that he wishes for the world to end and Bobby does not believe Dean is serious but Castiel knows his lover well enough to know that Dean was completely serious. Dean was honest about not caring if the world ended, because Dean could not live in a world where Sam was not living and breathing right by his side. Sam lies dead on the cot in the darker corner of the room. The shadows seem darker there somehow. Bobby leaves and Dean stands and stares at his brother's still body. Castiel embraces the human because he knows that this is all he can do. He feels physically ill when Dean cries and howls the question, “What am I supposed to do?!” to the ceiling. He watches Dean rush to the Impala and push the trunk open. The moon casts enough light so that Castiel may see what Dean is doing. He is collecting the ingredients needed to summon a cross-roads demon.

Castiel cannot watch any more and pulls out of his lover's dreams. He cries alone in the dark bedroom as both Winchesters sleep on fitfully, consumed by the nightmares of their pasts.

 

xXx

 

The third time Castiel slots his palm against the matching print emblazoned forever on his lover's skin is when a demon imitating Gabriel decides to “pop by and say hello!” The demon reminds the Winchester brothers that they cannot control fate; one day one of them will die and there will be nothing the other can do to stop it, and they will be helpless. Demon Gabriel reminds them that they cannot save everyone. This night, Dean dreams of Ellen and Joanna Harvell.

Dean remembers the helplessness that Gabriel said he could never run away from. He remembers building the bombs with Sam. Castiel watches as Dean presses the detonator into Jo's hand and a lingering kiss to her brow and a short kiss to her lips. Castiel ignores the kisses and concentrates on what is important. Together they remember the horror, the grief, and guilt. They leave and the bombs are primed and Ellen stays behind with her daughter, Jo's thumb on the switch, hellhounds snarling at the doors. Castiel runs with Dean and Sam, and turns back with them as the bomb goes off to see the hardware store go up in flames. Dean to this day imagines he can hear the Harvell girls scream, and swears he still feels the hot flames licking after him, reaching to bring him back so he may share the Harvells' fate, but they both know it is his mind and heart working against him. He does not cry but Castiel can see the emotions bubbling beneath the surface as they run to find Lucifer while constantly looking over their backs- the guilt, the grief, the rage; the pain being the strongest. Castiel can feel it like a knife to the chest, and knows it weighs Dean down as he runs. Ellen had been like a mother to the Winchester boys, and now Dean has lost her too. Castiel knows Dean is remembering all the people he has failed to save as they leave the Harvells to burn.

Once again, Castiel wishes he could have stopped all of this pain from weighing down Dean's soul.

 

xXx

 

In the fourth dream, Castiel watches as Dean confronts Lucifer in Sam's body and Michael in Adam's. Castiel knows how Dean feels about this scene. They have spoken about it several times in the past, and it never gets easier remembering how the people they loved died so easily at the hands of the Devil himself. Castiel has seen this scene enough times in his own dreams as well as Dean's to know how Dean felt. He regrets his lover had to watch him die such a painful death- body exploding, ripping apart from the inside out as his blood, intestines, and bone covered the clearing- even if the angel really had not died, and then continue on to watch his surrogate father die as well, covered in his future lover's blood. He watches as Dean tries to call for his brother as Lucifer beats him down, trying to fight past the pain and grief. Lucifer tries to break down the pure soul Dean insists he does not have, the soul that Castiel dragged out of Hell himself and put back together atom by atom. Castiel continues to be amazed to this day when Sam manages to push Lucifer away into the recesses of his mind and throw the Horsemen rings into the grass. The portal to Lucifer's cage opens to Sam's chant, the ground sinking away, and Castiel both knows and regrets what inevitably comes next. The Winchester brothers have tears in their eyes when they meet, and they seem to say goodbye. Michael appears and Sam makes sure he does not get away. Sam grips Adam by the lapels of his jacket and they fall into the cage together. Castiel feels Dean's anguish as fresh as his own, even though his past self would have never admitted such a thing. He remembers the shock and relief in Dean's eyes when Castiel re-appeared after his sudden and gruesome death at Lucifer's hand. He remembers Bobby gasping to life beneath his fingers and the two of them watching as Dean picks up the rings of the Four Horsemen and grips them tightly in his fist. Castiel also remembers how angry Dean was when he said he would be returning to Heaven. He understands now, and wishes he had before. He feels the numbness Dean tries to push away as he drives on to Lisa's home. He can feel the darkness Dean tries to drown out through alcohol. But he also feels the warmth and weak happiness Dean feels as he adjusts to life with Lisa and Ben Braedon. These feelings make Castiel's heart clench and fear flood his mind.

Dean pushes Castiel out himself this time, now wide awake. The tears from the dream have carried through to reality, and Dean tries to bury himself into Castiel. Castiel lets him because he does not want to remember either, and Dean has the ability to make them both forget the pain of the past and the love of the present. The fear Castiel feels when he thinks of the life Dean had- and could still have- with Lisa and Ben Braedon disappears as Dean thoroughly proves his love for his angel. When they are both lying spent and sated under the duvet, warm and trembling, the tears come back and they cry together like they have so few times before because sometimes, crying is the best and only way to remember their loved ones without breaking down into fits of insanity.

 

xXx

 

The fifth dream comes after his and Dean's “anniversary”. The dream consists of the hunt which had resulted in their first kiss. They had been hunting a witches cult who had the ability to compel demons into doing their bidding. Dean had been injured- thrown up against a solid concrete wall resulting in spinal damage and head trauma that left Castiel to deal with the witches and demons himself. Castiel remembers the fear he felt when Dean hit the wall with a sickening _crack_ and did not move again. He remembers smiting the final witch hurriedly and running to Dean's lifeless body. Blood was pooling beneath Dean's head at an alarming rate. The panic is still fresh in Castiel's mind, constantly tugging at his soul whenever Castiel sees Dean bleed from the head. Castiel is standing over Dean's body as he watches his old self press his fingers to Dean's temple. He remembers pushing his grace into the wounds and healing the human, and yet Dean did not wake up. Past Castiel tries again. Dean does not move, not even the smallest twitch. Castiel remembers the crushing fear he felt as he tried and failed to revive the hunter and it continues to make him sick. Past Castiel is near to tears now, begging for Dean to come back to him, not understanding why he has not come back yet. Past Castiel does not fully understand the feelings that rush forward from deep within his chest, but Castiel does. It is the same rushing affection of which Jimmy Novak used to look at his wife and daughter, the need to be closer, never wanting to part with them. Past Castiel does not know how to deal with such emotions so he simply gives in. The Castiel of now remembers pressing his brow to Dean's neck and pleading for his return as tears began to stream down his face and collect in the hollow of Dean's throat. Castiel understands now why he had cried. His vessel had remembered the pain of losing those it loved and replicated the feelings. Castiel now understands the feelings well enough to re-create them on his own, but Past Castiel has not had the experience in dealing with emotions yet and is swallowed by them. Past Castiel crushes Dean's body to his chest as if wanting to absorb him. Tears are rushing freely down his face but he does not acknowledge them. He begs for Dean to open his eyes, to live. His eyes are tightly closed and his head buried firmly in the nook of Dean's neck. He does not see Dean's eyes flutter open or widen with shock. The Castiel of now watches as Dean sputters his name and his past self jerks back. He remembers the disbelief and overwhelming happiness at seeing Dean's bright green eyes open and seeing him. He remembers and now understands when Jimmy Novak's residual feelings take over the angel's mind. Past Castiel presses a harsh kiss to Dean's lips, gripping his neck tightly. His remaining hand roams, reacquainting himself with the hunter's body and assuring he actually lives on. The relief is staggering. Watching the scene from the outside “has it's perks,” as Dean would say. Past Dean's eyes are comically wide and the dark blush Castiel has come to know so fondly is covering his cheekbones and reaching down to his neck. Castiel can feel the shock from the kiss, the regret from his actions and wounds, and the overwhelming urge to keep the angel right where he was and never let go.

Castiel pushes himself out of the dream to find Dean smiling softly at him. The sunlight filtering in through the blinds accent his stunning eyes and brings out the splashes of freckles hiding across his lover's cheekbones. Castiel leans down and Dean meets him halfway. Their kiss is soft, and Castiel wishes that life could stay like this forever.

 

xXx

 

The one time Dean enters Castiel's dream, it is an accident. He is sitting in bed watching the angel sleep peacefully, since peaceful sleep is a rare thing nowadays and he doesn't want to ruin the moment. Castiel's breathing is even and deep and soothing. Dean's hand, which is sitting across the angel's supposedly non-existent heart- which is total crap if you ask him- starts trailing upwards. He loves running his hands through Castiel's thick hair and across his light stubble; the feeling is kinda addicting. Castiel's hand is warm on his shoulder and it grounds him, makes him concentrate on the here and now instead of wallowing in the past or fearing the future. He reaches for Castiel's face. He doesn't notice the angel's hand slip to his matching scar. His fingers skim Castiel's temple absentmindedly and he is suddenly sucked in.

It's bright out. That's what Dean first notices. He looks around and a big grin lights up his face. He recognizes this scene. It's Christmas at Bobby's- Castiel's first to be exact- and probably Dean's favorite. He trudges through the rusty cars that've always made up Bobby's place and grins at the cheesy ass tinsel he and Sam'd thrown up on the cars to get in the mood. He walks through the door and flat out cackles at the scene in front of him. Cas is staring petulantly at Dean's past self who is settling a Santa hat on his head while Sam tries not to grin as he puts the star on the top of the tree. Of course Dean pointed out how only Sasquatch could reach the top and both Deans laughed when Sam flipped him off. Dean answered with, “Bitch!” and Sam smirked back, “Jerk!” just like the old days. Dean watches the day go by. His anticipation grows while he watches the Bobby, Sam, Castiel and Dean of the past interact. Bobby is the same old Grinch he always has been, Sam's his usual bitchy, smirk-y self, and Cas looks completely clueless. Dean smiles at the memories. Bobby kept trying to weasel his way out of the holiday spirit and drink alone by the fireplace but Dean wouldn't have it and literally dragged the old man back to the living room to enjoy the festivities with the rest of their ragtag family. The day fades to night and they eventually pop open the eggnog. Dean doesn't let Sammy anywhere near it this time, thank god. Doesn't wanna kill Cas before they can get to the presents.

Eventually Present Time comes and the gifts get handed out. Bobby's and Sam's look pretty good and Dean's look like crap, just wrapped up in some old newspapers he found around the house. Bobby gets a bottle of good whiskey from Dean and some crummy old book he hasn't got yet from Sam. Cas doesn't understand Christmas yet so he doesn't have any gifts to hand out but that doesn't stop him from getting any. Sam gets the angel a pendant like the one he got for their dad then gave to Dean instead. The memory almost makes him tear up right then and there. Bobby gets the angel a gun for him to use- “Just in case,” Bobby says with a shrug before going off to open the new bottle of booze. Dean remembers he didn't get Cas a present, not really. Cas looked disappointed when he didn't get a present from Dean, and that only solidified his resolve. He lets everyone hang out for a while longer before kicking their asses out of the house since he's gonna need it for the rest of the night. Of course Bobby complains, since it's his own house, but Sammy- good ol' Sammy- gets the grouch out. When Cas gets up to leave, face lowered in sadness, Dean grabs that stupid tan trench coat and tugs him backwards. The angel obviously wasn't expecting it so he lets himself be pulled back. Dean's happy 'cos the angel really took Dean's words to heart when he said the angel needed to loosen up and act more human. Sam and Bobby are long gone now. Cas looks pretty confused and it makes both Deans chuckle. Present Dean feels like a total creeper watching Past Dean pull Past Cas into his arms and whispering in his ear that he saved the best gift for last. Dean remembers that this is the first night that he took Cas to bed and told him the words, “I love you.” He remembers the warmth that spread through his chest at Cas' silly smiling face. His angel was such a goof back then, but it's not like he hasn't changed at all.

He pulls out of Cas' dream and looks down. Those damn blue eyes that've always sucked him in are staring at him like they did that night. He kisses his angel and revels in the feeling of Cas' stubble rubbing against his chin and cheeks. He whispers those three words to his angel again and Cas' face lights up like that crappy little tree they had that Christmas. He kisses Cas again and they fall into each other like they always have and Dean swears his heart grows in size when Cas whispers those words back.


End file.
